Is it Better to have Loved and Lost, or never to have Loved at all?

So What did you Lose?

Some people love and lose the one they love; to death, relocation, or other circumstances that are outside of the control of themselves or even the other person. In those cases it is usually better to have loved and loss; because for a short time they knew love and happiness. They leave that situation with a broken heart, but in time the pain will ease and they will remember that time fondly.

Sometimes you love and lose your self respect, your values, you compromise your core self, and you lose your sense of self preservation. Sometimes you beg, plead, and humiliate yourself beyond anything you could have imagined. In those cases it would have been better to never have loved at all, at least for some of us.

I have loved only once, he was my best friend, and later lover. We had known eachother since we were 11 and had been friends since then. We became a couple for three short months when I was 21... (13 years ago) and had some confusing encounters again when I was 28 (6 years ago) and I have never recovered. I still can't figure out what catagory I fall into.

There are moments in our relationship that cause me such humiliation that I hate him for witnessing them, I remember them and ask myself why do I still talk to him? I have asked him this question as well, and he says he doesn't know either. But there are other moments that when I think of them my heart still skips a half of beat.

Do I love him still? Yes of course I do, he is one of my oldest and best friends. He is funny and smart, and we get eachother. The tragedy of me and Joey is that we never figured it out. But I have come to accept that I am stuck with him for better or for worse. In part because he never leaves me alone, even when I have asked him too. Secondly, because the one time he honored my wishes I fell apart. So, we will always be friends we have survived so much.

Is it the same? No, it's not I guard my heart now. I know how easy it is for me to fall in love with him, and so I pull away if I need to. He knows this, he can see right threw me. I told him once when he was suffering from his own heartbreak that sometimes I didnt' want to be there for him. He said, "I know, but when it matters, you always are." So that's us.

Was it better to have loved and lost? I guess so, if that's the only romantic love I will ever know. My heart is whole, but I wonder if I had not loved him, maybe I wouldn't have waited so long, maybe I would have had another love, I'll never know.